`Text spoken in apostraphes is from a secondary character.`
Infront of me is a corpse.
My corpse.
To meet my end in a cold and damp alleyway, is a shame.
Many walk by me. Do they consider my death? Or do they think i'm another junkie sleeping on cardboard?
Everyone is dressed in black, no umbrellas, rushing in the rain.
Ah, i know. Something has happened. Dressed for a funeral, maybe?
It couldn't be my funeral. Not many have known me.
Oh, or could it be something more drastic? A city-wide meeting? A politician's death?
Ah, these are stupid observations. I'm letting my mind wander.
They always dress like this. Every day, to and from.
It's for work. Must always dress accordingly.
Do they hate their job?
Do they hate what work they do?
Do they hate themselves?
It seems comedic, at this point.
I lived all my life secluded, never learning the meaning of everything around me, as if im lost.
Or have i really lived all alone?
It's all going hazy, my brain is finally shutting off.
I'm trying to make sense of everything, but i cannot.
Thus i'm alone in this world, once more.
These meaningless thoughts have infected me to such a point, i failed to notice and recognize the most basic things.
While i was speaking to myself, a red door appeared behind me. It made no sound, as if it faded into existence.
It is a door to an afterlife. It must be.
I lived atheist, imagining a black void after death.
But now, i was proven wrong. In the end, i am the one who is being invited into hell for all i've done.
Or, is it heaven?
Ah, i must hurry. The door might get impatient and leave on it's own, it is waiting for me to pull the handle and go through, so i will go through with my promise.
I spoke to my mirror, with a emotionless tone; "Tonight, nobody will stop me."
After all, it is too late to go back at this point.
I grab the handle, and pull the door open.
Darkness is all i saw. Could i have been truly right? Am i alone in the end?
Once i walked inside, the door behind me shut quickly.
Looking back at it, i saw nothing.
I am now alone in this neverending darkness, waiting for my mind to get consumed by maggots.
It is hard to accept this truth.
I fall to my knees, but my eyes were dry.
I want to cry, but i feel nothing.
I look at my arms, and...
I finally see it.
A beast is in front of me.
I look up to see its true size.
That thing must be atleast three times my size.
A soft voice speaks to me.
`Your reflection stands before you, a beast made of grief, rage and sorrow.`
`When you look in the mirror, this is what you see, Amber.`
`But this is not you. This is not how the world sees you.`
`This is your burden, so how will you act on it?`
I open my mouth, but no words exit.
It is right. This is me.
I am a mountain of flesh and blood, balancing on the little support i had.
There is no humanity left in it, only what it once was.
So i begin to think, while the beast kneels down to face me.
A grim idea enters my mind. Is this truly the solution?
Consumption.
I will cut my sorrows into pieces, and face them head on.
I look at my hands once more, my nails are sharper than knives.
Will i really do this?
There is no other option. I cannot just speak to it.
I dig my nails deep into it's flesh, but it makes no sound.
The leg it once had, is now various chunks of flesh scattered around the deep nothingness. As i pick one up, i notice that it was bleeding.
No veins in it's body, no true muscles or bone, the beast was formed out of blood-filled human flesh. My flesh.
As i bit into it, i felt my stomach shrink in disgust.
It tasted horrible, almost like my childhood.
I attempted to vomit, but i couldnt. All that could exit my mouth was cold breath.
I wanted to leave, but i couldn't. I was locked into this hell.
The further i consumed, the more used i got to it's foul taste, but one thing lingered in it.
Emotion, memories, rage.
The more i ate, the more i remembered.
Father, how i hated you.
I never felt guilt that day, but it attached itself onto my back like a parasite.
I don't wish to have you back, but what i've done was unforgivable.
I returned home from school to a house which had it's cover of paint barely hanging on.
Standing infront of it, on the sidewalk, i had a gut feeling.
Something was not right.
Entering the home, it was dead silent.
Usually, when i came home there would be atleast some noise.
Shouting, banging and glass breaking was the usual ambience.
Today, i heard none of that. I walked in the kitchen and witnessed a spill.
The fridge was open, and there was glass scattered around everywhere, all covered in beer.
Walking into the living room, i saw a useless monster sitting on the couch, passed out.
Even though i hated that man, all i could do back then was panic and try to shake him awake.
The bastard has blacked out infront of his child. How horrible.
No shaking, screaming or crying could shake him awake. As soon as i got to the phone to try and call for help, i heard footsteps behind be.
He was behind me. I turned around and saw him standing there.
`Why are you home, shouldn't you be at school for a few more hours?`
"Dad, what happened? Are you okay?"
`I was worked to bits for 20 years, and when i finally get a moment to rest, you act like im dead and start screaming all over the damn place. Let me rest for christ's sake.`
"I was worried, dad. I've never seen you do this before. Im sorry."
Why was i sorry? Why should i ever apologize?
`You always do this. I support this whole family. Be thankful for all i do to you, there are other kids out there who are doing much worse than you. I need breaks too.`
You never worked a day in your life, have you? Mother kept us alive. You would only work to fuel your addiction.
"Im sorry. I really am. I didn't mean to..."
`I won't listen to your crocodile tears anymore. You should've never been here."
There is blood all over me. I toss a chunk to the side and try as hard as i could to vomit, but i couldnt.
That stench in the house, i do not want to be reminded of it.
As i caught my breath, i looked around me and saw how much was left.
I began to dig in further.
A year later. They were both in the house.
As always, there was shouting and smashing bottles over the counter.
And like every time this happened, she kicked him out of the house.
But he would always come back home, and pretend hes sorry.
She must be getting sick of him now, right?
But she can't just divorce. We didn't have the money for that.
Burdened with an abusive man, i felt bad for mother.
I always considered her beautiful.
Her name was Rose.
Every time i saw those red flowers, i reminded myself of her kindness. Her love for me.
And i thought, maybe it would get better the next day.
But that better day never came.
After a long night of drinking, he came back.
But it was that night. Much different.
Though i was in bed, trying to sleep, i heard commotion in the other room which kept me awake.
The door was locked, and he wanted in. He was banging on the door, but my mother kept it locked as a form of protest against him.
But like the ignorant fool he was, he decided that this is the best time to demonstrate his "Power".
Crash.
A bottle broke a window of the house.
I heard him scream, loud and clear:
`Open the damn door, before i tear the damn thing off it's hinges, you wicked whore.`
`I will kill you this time. I will really do it. Open the fucking door.`
I heard them fight for hours, nonstop.
Of course he got in, it comes with threatening others with death.
I was tired up until this point. But i could not rest.
Among the blood and flesh around me, i laid down and looked up.
I saw nothing but darkness, staring back at me.
Have i laid there for hours? Days? Am i ready now?
Can i look back at what happened, after all this time?
I got up and returned to what i was supposed to do.
Delaying this won't help.
I am now 14. This has been happening for as long as i remember.
Every single day i have lived, i could not go one second without hearing them both argue.
What is it this time, that's bothering you this much?
Why is it always this?
When did you decide to argue today?
And who are you, now.
Your face is unrecognizable since the last time i've had a proper look at you.
How much hate i have for you, that i couldn't show you. Until that fateful day.
May 18th. I know the date perfectly.
It was a day i won't forget.
Every second was a blur.
Every minute was covered in fog.
But i could recall exactly what happened.
He came home once again. Empty bottle in hand.
This time, he looked closer to a monster covered in eyes than a true human.
I could see right through the facade of a barely stable man.
Before anything could start, he came up behind mother and with one motion,
Glass was scattered everywhere, and she was knocked to the ground.
This was the final straw for everyone.
I ran to his room, while he was busy screaming at her almost lifeless body.
Taking something he would never hide, i checked if the gun was loaded as quickly as i could.
I brought it back to the kitchen, and before he could turn around,
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Click, click, click.
It was over.
I felt nothing.
Blood was sprayed over the kitchen, now dripping onto the floor.
I took mother and put her on a chair, while i took another to sit on.
Once she came to her senses, she saw what happened.
No shouting, no beating.
She turned herself in and blamed self defense.
I was the one who was supposed to go to trial.
Mother didn't deserve all this.
I lived for the next 2 years with my grandparents.
Nobody knew what happened except us two. I have carried this secret to the grave.
A burden is lifted off my chest.
For the first time in years, i am crying.
Tears roll down my cheeks, and onto my scarred palms.
Years worth of emotion, built up, have released.
I am far from free.
The legs have been consumed.
I have dissected my childhood, and released it from it's chains.
Wax birds fly across the great nothingness, and something has changed.
As i ripped into the torso of the beast, i saw a hundred little pills fall out of it.
I recognized them. They were so close to saving my life, but oh so far.
When i was at the doctor for the treatment, at first he gave me 12 months of wait.
I burst into tears, begging him loudly;
"Doctor, please! I can't last another year! I need this treatment, i've suffered all of my life and this is my last chance to regain myself! I don't know what i'll do without it!"
I was a crying mess infront of him.
I started the next week.
Reminiscing on such things makes me feel strange.
Was i truly right about that?
It's been 5 months since i've started the treatment.
Today, i lay on the wet pavement.
I grabbed a handful of the pills and shoved them into my mouth.
Immediately i jolted up and off my knees.
I knew what this was.
But am i prepared to face myself?
I told her, i would do anything.
All for her.
I remember when we first met, she had the warmest smile.
`Amber is a beautiful name, im happy you could find such a lovely name to settle on.`
Hiding my smile, i blushed softly. Ever since then i was the happiest person there could've been.
She filled my day's with joy, her dark but still slightly short hair, her beautiful eyes and most of all- Her kind words.
`You look beautiful today.`
`I can't get enough of looking at your beautiful eyes, lord!`
`You seem down today, wanna get a drink?`
I was turned into a better person, all because of her.
Every day i put on a true smile knowing i would see her.
But the moment i knew, she was truly the one, was when she took me to her home.
She is a skilled woman, and she told me how to play the piano.
Though i didn't understand much, she began to press the notes slowly but confidently.
That song would ring within my head, every single day.
I wish i could've spent more time with her.
I don't blame her for leaving me. In reality i've done close to nothing for her in return.
I tried my best, really.
In the end, it just never seemed to work out between me and her.
We were together for 6 months, and they were the happiest ones i've had.
2 Months ago she left me.
And yet, i am still reminded of her every day.
I look at puddles on the street, and the blue sky gaze's back at me.
Like her eyes looked at me, the sky judges me from above.
Dark hair, short haircut, everywhere i go.
She moved away as soon as we seperated, why do i see her everywhere?
I do not wish to be reminded of my failure anymore.
I shove more pills down my throat.
She ordered the craziest drinks, while i order whiskey.
We never split. She always payed.
I shove more pills down my throat.
I rarely payed the rent.
I knew i was more well off than her whenever we lived together.
I shove more pills down my throat.
I remember, when i found her in the bathtub.
That was the only time i helped her.
Only when i'm faced with death, will i truly act like who i say i am.
The mask i wear not only hides my expression, but my body and thoughts.
Can i hide my body for any longer?
Can i truly never face the fact i was born this way?
Why was i born this way?
I cannot hide any longer.
I consume more flesh.
The piano comes back to me,
Please come back to me.
I am but a sack of flesh without you.
You were my world.
come back
im sorry. i truly am
`Amber. This has gone on too far. I've carried this relationship on my shoulders for months now. I am done.`
"Please, im sorry. Don't leave me, i beg you. You're all i have left. I seriously cant hold on without you. Please."
`You need to accept you're a manipulator. Read your fucking messages. How can you type this? Do you truly feel nothing anymore?`
She was right.
Every day i told her that i couldn't live without her, that she was my everything, and that if she left me i would end myself.
It got to the point where she left on her own.
In my manic state, i let the secret slip.
Everyone found out.
My family, friends, everyone.
Every contact cut off, every part of my body covered, i hid from my problems.
I ran from everything. Everyone. I took my car and drove away, as far as i could.
I took all my savings, and everything i had left and found a new town, as far away as i could.
My biggest mistake was taking my phone. Of course, they found my contacts.
The torso has been consumed.
My insides shrink.
My once light blue dress is now tattered and bloody, half transparent.
I see my ugly body, my scars and everything surrounding me.
But this is not the body i once knew.
I'm skinnier, and still bleeding.
I turn around, and i see my corpse.
I walk up to it, like i have earlier.
It is still my lifeless corpse.
I blink, and it is covered in blisters.
I blink once more, and the blisters have become sacks full of rot and disease.
I blink again, and the rain is gone, leaving behind a mark of where i used to be.
I look up, and i see the darkness staring back at me.
It's arms wrap around me, and then,
I fall to the ground.
The beast is infront of me.
The neck, the head and whatever is inside it.
The beach, the sun and the one i used to love.
My arms crack and fall apart, as if i am made of porcelain.
Nothing is inside me, but cold air.
I am a shell of my creation.
I never wanted to see this day come, yet here i am.
The beast is before me.
I begin to rip it into bits.
Tears roll down my cheeks, as i remember a life i once had.
I ruined everything i've been working towards.
Now, i am reduced to a sobbing mess once again.
My family calls me one by one.
`How could you have done this?.`
'Selfish monster.'
`You are just like your father.`
'That mindset has ruined you as a person.'
`Youll always be my nephew. Come back to your senses.`
I do not care anymore.
I will spill my guts all over your forsaken funerals.
I wish i could outlive all of you scum.
I am a person of my own creation.
If i ruined myself, so what?
My broken wings have never flew for you.
If i lay in my blood, on the floor, what will you do?
You will encourage these actions. I know what i did.
I'm doing this so i don't become a heartless monster like my father.
I did this myself.
What have i done?
I look at my body.
How many needles were there?
I cannot count anymore.
It's all collapsing on itself.
Why won't you let me die?
A mirror stands in front of me.
It reflects an image of a woman whos hair is brown, and eyes are orange.
Her upper body is beautiful, but the bottom half is distorted flesh pulsating like a artificial heart.
Is this truly me?
Scream as loud as i might, the mirror won't break.
Punch it as hard as i can, and the only thing i injure is myself.
Cry out all my fears, but it won't shatter.
The mirror displays myself, but i could never accept it.
I stand up one last time, and look myself in the eyes.
Tears flow down my cheeks. All i've built up releases in the form of my cries.
My bleeding legs walk towards the mirror.
I embrace myself. I accept who i am and was, not who i will be.
That girl who wished to carve herself into perfection, has accepted herself for who she was.
The mirror shatters, and everything is gone.
The beast that i have been is gone. I am sorry for everything.
To the girl who i loved-
To the family i lost-
To the friends that turned away-
It is time. I will pass on as one.
I will join mother in heaven. I have never forgotten about her actions towards me.
The sun welcomes another day.
The warmth of summer creeps onto my skin.
I sit up, in the hospital bed.
I was treated while unconscious.
What truly happened?
Am i dead?
Or do i live to see another day?
My method of suicide has failed.
Maybe those people in black cared for me?
Maybe one of those figures saw me and called for help.
Today, i look out the window.
Today, i felt something change deep within me.
I am no longer someone who i once was
I won't let my past hold on to me anymore.
It won't be easy from here on out, but i will try my best.
I will be someone who i could love.